lockdown parenting pressures

Just this week the news has supported what we already know to be true... “that levels of stress, depression, and anxiety among parents and carers have increased with the pressures of the lockdowns… we are more irritable, over-reactive and impatient… and many of us are ‘substantially worried’ about our children's behaviour.”

Of course, this is not a surprise to any of us who are trying to work, run the house, home school children… oh, and of course, be perfect at all of them!

In this blog I share my thoughts about some of the reasons why this might be happening and a few practical ways in which I have been able to improve behaviour and reduce my own levels of stress and anxiety

So, let’s start with us as the parents

We are busier than ever, trying to juggle the mountain of tasks and activities. With home schooling, we are spending even more time in the parent ego state, directing, controlling, setting expectations and not in the adult ego state (which we enjoy, and which is less emotional), or the child state of high emotion, which is where our children enjoy us being the most.

We are most likely feeling higher levels of stress and pressure and, depending on our personality type as a parent, this means we become even more controlling and directing, set even higher expectations, or if we are a pleaser, we find ourselves giving in easily to avoid confrontation, or removing limits altogether for what we believe will be a less stressful time.

In some of my earlier blogs, I talk about our core emotional needs of love, certainty, and significance – how they need to be kept at least 70% full for us to feel good and how we turn to negative ways to fill these buckets if they are not filled by positive things. Our feelings of certainty, the opportunities for connection and our sense of significance are probably pretty low right now, so our buckets are also getting low.

Looking at it from our children’s perspective  

In both adults and children of all ages, behaviour is not random, it is goal oriented. They have a need to keep their emotional buckets full as well (they just don’t necessarily know what that means, or how to do it). So, the whining, attention seeking, power struggles and push backs could all be signs that their buckets are low.

Here’s one example: their need for significance and belonging is partly about getting focused attention from the people they love. In the absence of that attention, they begin to whine, misbehave, argue with their siblings. And what does this do? It forces us to give them the attention they need, but not necessarily at a time which works for us in our frantic, get work done, run the house, complete the schoolwork daily routine!

Add in to this the ego states I talked about earlier. They most enjoy spending time in the child state with others who are doing the same. A reduction in the interaction with their school and club friends means they are not getting to enjoy the ego state which works for them the most and makes them feel good about themselves.

Bedtime is another example: they are trying to assert power to increase their sense of significance. You can’t force them to lie down and go to sleep and they know it. So, if their significance bucket is running empty, they will pick on the things they know they can assert control over, and the fact that we get frustrated, annoyed, or angry about it, gives an extra boost to their sense of significance!

So, what practical steps have I taken to calm things down at home?

The first thing I have done is to plan in time to connect in a way that will fill their buckets. This doesn’t need to take hours of your time. As a minimum, spending 10 minutes each day 1-2-1 with each child, doing what they want to do, enjoying the time in child ego state. Their choice, their agenda without any directing, or expectation from you as parent.

I have introduced a daily walk with my son. He gets to choose where we go and what we talk about along the way – his agenda, not mine. Boosting his sense of significance, giving him focused attention, and allowing us both to be in the child state, rather than me as the parent, directing or expecting anything from him.

Find out what fills their buckets? Even for young children you can do this exercise with them, finding out what works for them, with simple questions like ‘when we’ve got time later to spend together, what would you really love for us to do?’

Use bedtime as an opportunity to connect, whatever age they are. I still spend time reading with my son, even though he is 14, before lights out each night. Filling his bucket of love and belonging and making him feel significant.

This structured time of attention fills their emotional needs buckets and reduces the constant attention seeking during the day.

Try keeping this one-on-one time to roughly the same time every day, so they know when to expect it, and don’t feel like it might not be happening that day.

Put a schedule up on the fridge so they know when to expect time with you and when you will be busy. Put their schedule up as well. Include family contribution time, independent play time, as well as their school timetable, or learning routine.

Tune in to their low-level emotions. Spot their changes in body language and facial expressions, and use this as an opportunity to connect and find out how they are feeling in the moment, before it escalates (which will probably be when you least want it to happen).

Notice your own emotions and plan in time to reflect on what worked and what didn’t that day. What improvements you’ve seen and what setbacks you have had.

Don’t beat yourself up. No one is perfect and it's ok for our children to see that we are not perfect. It’s ok for us to show our emotions. If you shout, flip your lid, get annoyed, or frustrated, take time to cool down and then apologise, just as you would expect them to do if they do something wrong, misbehaved, or shouted at you.

I hope some of the things I am doing also help you. I would love to hear from you.

I offer a free family kickstart session, enabling you to discuss the areas where you are struggling, define your priorities and decide your next steps.

Click the link to book your free family kickstart session or ask me a question. https://www.jouff.co.uk/contact

Take care

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