unleashing your inner child
When I was young, my grandad used to get so much enjoyment from playing with me and my two sisters. There was nothing I enjoyed more than when he would join in with our play, or get down on the floor, taking me round the room on his back like a horse.
This childlike state is the one which our children enjoy us being in the most, yet with the overload of tasks to be done and things to be remembered, it’s very easy for us to become stuck in parent mode.
In this blog I share my thoughts about how we can spend less time directing, correcting, and reminding, and more time having fun with our children.
Parent, adult, and child mode
Berne, a Canadian born psychiatrist, suggested that there are three ego states: parent, adult, and child. These are modes we exist in at different times, depending upon what we are doing. Throughout a typical day we might move in and out of these modes, or we might find ourselves getting stuck in one for some time.
In parent mode we are responding to rules and values that we have learned through our experiences. We are likely to be taking responsibility, caring, or giving direction. We are also correcting, directing, controlling, and critical or judgemental in this mode.
The child ego state on the other hand is one of pure feeling and generally high emotion, either positive or negative. Getting excited, having fun, or feeling frustrated and angry.
In adult mode we are in the here and now, often receiving or transmitting information in a transactional, non-emotional way. Completing tasks or having a day-to-day conversation with someone.
How these different modes can cause struggles with our children
When we spend too much time directing and correcting it affects our children’s sense of significance. Every child, regardless of their age, has a need for significance, or personal power. If our interactions with them don’t allow them to feel significant, we find ourselves in power struggles with our children. And the more we direct and correct, the more they will feel the need to gain some power over the things they can find to control. This might be at mealtimes, bedtime, when it’s time to leave the house, or when they are asked to put technology away.
Spending less time in parent mode
Ideally, we should aim to spend only 30% of the time with our children in parent mode. Some of you might be thinking that would be impossible and that life would become chaotic if we weren’t there to correct and direct the entire time. I know I have certainly felt like that at times!
However, there are many ways we can turn down the need for parent mode with our children, at all ages, allowing us to spend more time where they enjoy us the most. Here are just a few.
Spending time individually with your children, even for 10 – 15 minutes each day is a great way to fill their needs for attention and power. Using this time to do whatever they want to do, being in the child, or adult state. Their choice, their agenda without any directing, or expectation from you as parent.
Training is not a quick win, however taking the time to teach and guide our children to do the things they are able to do, based on their age, will, over time, enable you to spend less time directing and correcting. It enables them to feel capable and independent. Whilst teaching them, you are in adult, rather than the parent mode, explaining, demonstrating, and allowing them to practice. It’s important to have patience, allow them to mess up in the early stages and not over-correct. Making it enjoyable will mean they are more likely to want to do these things on an ongoing basis, whether it’s making their own breakfast, tidying up their belongings, or getting themselves dressed.
Creating an environment for positive choice, makes our children feel empowered within boundaries, as well as reducing the need for us to direct and correct, which typically results in power struggles and us spending more time in parent mode. What positive choices can they be in control of? There are, of course, things which are not up for discussion, however within the realms of the things they need to do and how they do them, there are lots of opportunities.
We can also spend less time in parent mode, reminding our children about things if we are willing to let the natural consequences for certain things play out. Natural consequences where their safety is not at stake, or where the gap between cause and effect is not too long, enables children to feel accountable. Let them know in advance what the natural consequence will be and then allow it to play out. This can feel incredibly difficult as a parent, because our protective instinct doesn’t want them to go hungry if they forget their packed lunch, or for their toys to get damaged if they are left out in the rain, however it’s incredibly powerful in preparing them for the real world and reduces the time we need to spend in parent mode.
So, ask yourself: ‘which mode am I most often in when I am at home? And which do my children enjoy me being in the most’?
I work with parents who are looking for guidance and support about the changes they can make to enable them to spend less time in parent mode, and more time having fun with their children.
I offer a free family kickstart session, enabling you to discuss the struggles you are having, define your priorities for change and decide your next steps.
Click the link to book your free family kickstart session or ask me a question. https://www.jouff.co.uk/contact
Take care
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