Why change can feel so hard
It’s a bitter winter’s day and I am sitting in my kitchen, staring out of the window, a cold cup of tea resting in my lap. I couldn’t see a way through, couldn’t see how things would work out, or what life might be like on the other side. I was petrified of the unknown and it was keeping me trapped somewhere I didn’t want to be.
Back then I wasn’t an expert in navigating change, I didn’t understand why it felt so hard, so I kept putting it off, knowing deep inside that I couldn’t put it off forever if I wanted to live a life of happiness and fulfilment.
Can you relate? Or possibly know someone who has had a similar experience?
Change can feel hard, or even impossible to cope with. When we are going through separation or divorce, our emotions get in the way of us being able to think rationally, even if we know it’s the right decision. As a result, we delay getting on with it because it feels too painful or we drag ourselves through, feeling unresourceful and depleted.
Our feeling of self-worth can plummet, and it can feel like we have boarded an emotional rollercoaster, not knowing how we are going to feel from one minute to the next.
Does this sound familiar? If so, just know this is completely normal and you are not alone.
Whether it’s this change you are going through now, or another life change just around the corner, change is a constant in most of our lives and if we want to live life to the full, it is important to learn to embrace change and navigate it in the least impactful way.
As a starting point it can be helpful to know that we all go through a similar change curve, either when we have change imposed upon us or we decide to change something in our lives.
It looks a bit like this…
How we experience change
At the start of a period of change we go into denial, refusing to believe it’s going to happen and unwilling to face the truth.
As the situation becomes more real, we move into frustration, thinking ‘why is this happening to me’ or ‘how can I stop this’?
Because we cannot see what life looks like on the other side of the change, we become confused, sometimes angry, and potentially drop into feelings of despair and hopelessness.
Over time we begin to come to terms with the situation or realise it’s not as difficult as we anticipated. There are glimmers of hope, exploration, and anticipation. Life begins to feel easier as we accept what is changing and think ahead to a new chapter in our lives.
The different experiences we have relating to change are linked to the time we each take to move through each stage of the change curve. We can get stuck at certain points, finding it almost impossible to see a way forward.
It can be helpful to think about the change process as riding a bike; you need to keep moving forward if you want to keep your balance and the faster you peddle, the more quickly you reach your destination.
People can also experience a different depth of emotion, with some going deeply into anger, confusion, or despair.
If you are wondering why others experiencing the same changes don’t appear to be as affected, it’s likely to be that they are further ahead on the change curve and have already gone through what you are experiencing right now.
Did you know that as humans we are hardwired to resist change? Part of the brain (the amygdala) interprets change as a threat, hormones are released, and the body goes into survival mode, getting ready to fight, flee, or freeze.
Change also creates uncertainty in our life which threatens one of our core emotional needs for safety, causing the brain to believe our life is quite literally in danger.
The good news is that with the right resources and support you can quickly navigate towards acceptance and readiness for a new chapter in life. It can also flatten the curve, preventing you from going so deeply into strong, negative emotions.
If I could reassure you that you can learn to effectively navigate change in your life, would that be good? Here’s a starting point for how you can.
Understanding your own experience of change
Because everyone experiences change slightly differently, it can be helpful to know what change typically looks like for you.
Consider something that has caused a significant change in your life, either which has been imposed or initiated by you.
What does change typically feel like for you? Does it feel almost impossible? Does the very thought of it send you running for cover?
Where do you typically get stuck?
What triggers you to become stuck here?
What do you do when you get stuck? Do you back out, saying it’s not for you, remain stuck for what feels like forever, or keep persevering despite the difficulties?
What enables you to become unstuck so you can move forward?
What, in hindsight, would have helped this happen more quickly?
These questions will help build the momentum for change and remove the dread, so that even though you still experience the effects of change, you know what to expect.
Creating the conditions for success
Rather than thinking about change as a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ decision, consider it as a ‘yes’, based on the right conditions.
Move away from embarking on change hoping that everything will be okay; you have the power to define and create the conditions for success, and to create the safety you need to have the courage to go for it!
Consider what success looks like for the change you are about to embark on and what resources and support will help you. Outline your options for things not working out the first time, and what you will do if change starts to feel too hard.
Imagine navigating change with this new insight. Would that make it feel less scary and more manageable?
There are many other resources and tools you can draw upon as you build your effectiveness to navigate change in your life.
Sitting on the other side of the changes I mentioned at the beginning, I know it was the right decision to make, and once I had navigated my way through and got my life back on track, I felt happier and more fulfilled than I had felt for a long time.
Socrates said “The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new”
Knowing what you know now, would you agree?
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