overcoming a fear of failure
Several years ago, I was working with a woman who shared that she had always dreamed about moving abroad and setting up a small B&B, offering tourists a cosy and comfortable retreat away from the regular tourist scene. The way she described it to me sounded idyllic and I would have been one of the first in the queue to stay there! When I asked her why she had not jumped in with both feet and followed her dream, she said that she was worried about failing, or being seen as a failure if it wasn’t a success.
It left me pondering what is it about the need for achievement and success that causes so many of us to fear failure? To not even start the things we dream of doing just in case it’s not an overnight triumph.
Interestingly, if you search for the synonyms to failure, you are faced with words like defeat, collapse, catastrophe, disaster, or fiasco! Being unsuccessful or failing brings with it a whole host of negative thoughts and feelings, when, in reality it’s simply feedback that it hasn’t worked.
Why we fear failure
Fear of failure often surfaces in one of two ways: the fear outweighs the courage we need to even get started, or we try and do not succeed first time, so give up believing we will never be able to succeed.
1. Fear over courage
Where fear outweighs the courage needed to get started, this can sometimes be because of a perfectionist ego. Perfectionists have an internal expectation that they must be successful at everything they do, and that people will think less of them if they are not. The trouble is, it is impossible to be successful at everything, so they are often left feeling inadequate, a failure, or stressed and overwhelmed.
A perfectionist ego often comes from the beliefs we have developed during childhood experiences. Praise and rewards are seen by many as a great way to incentivise and recognise children. However, in many cases constant praise like ‘you are amazing’, ‘you’re brilliant’, can have a detrimental effect. It gives children an expectation to live up to, making them feel as though they constantly have to be that great at everything. It can also prevent them from taking part in new things that they don’t believe they will be perfect at or achieve straight away.
2. Giving up
When we try something new and don’t succeed, giving up can seem like the best, or certainly the easiest option. Trying again takes perseverance and resilience, determination, and an ability not to make comparisons with others.
We all make comparisons; it’s a natural human trait, and with constant access to other peoples’ lives online, it’s becoming harder to avoid. Someone else always seems to be more successful, healthier, more confident, or a higher achiever! Comparisons are pointless and are often just a mind read about another person’s situation. It is likely that underneath their super confident photos, or portrayals of success, lie the same insecurities. Making comparisons leaves us feeling inferior, less self-confident, and more likely to give up.
Overcoming a fear of failure
Here are my five top tips for overcoming the feelings of failure and ensuring courage and resilience outweigh fear.
1. Change unhelpful beliefs
This will have an amazing impact on your view of failure. Start by asking yourself “if I do not succeed first time then…” and notice what comes into your mind. This will help you to surface the beliefs you have around what you deem to be success and failure. You can then take steps to change these beliefs.
2. Build your resilience
Getting to the root cause of your doubts and feelings can help to build your resilience. Start by thinking about something you typically put off or worry about doing for fear of failure. Something that makes the internal chatter start whirring in your head, the emotions rise, and a tightness or heaviness somewhere in your body. Sit with this uncomfortable feeling, labelling each aspect: what pictures are you seeing in your head? What words, or phrases are surfacing and what feelings do you have in your body?
Once you have defined what specifically is causing the fear, ask yourself what unhelpful meaning you are giving the situation, whether your concerns are worth worrying about properly and what action you can take.
3. Stop comparing your success or achievement against others
The most effective comparisons we can make are against ourselves, measuring our own progress towards what we want to achieve and tackling whatever is getting in the way of us achieving it. Take a specific goal and set yourself a target for the next one, or two weeks. Track your progress towards achieving this goal and spend a few minutes each day focusing on what has helped you work towards it and what has been in the way.
4. Reframe the situation
One of the presuppositions of NLP is that there is only feedback; there is no such thing as failure. So, if you find yourself surfacing words like failure, catastrophe, disaster, or fiasco, notice that you are doing it, and tune into it. Have I failed, or have I just not achieved it yet? What other ways can I try to achieve this goal or outcome? Can I get someone to help?
5. Give yourself a confidence boost
Grow your courage before events you are fearful about by doing a visual rehearsal. Walk through the event, seeing it play out from beginning to end, with everything going as you want it to, achieving what you want from it and feeling good about yourself and the outcome.
Oh, and just going back to the woman I mentioned at the beginning; after some coaching she triumphed over her fear of failure and summoned the courage and resilience to follow her dreams. You can find her in a little coastal village in the South of France, having made a huge success of her B&B business!
Take care,
Jo
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